Your presence and participation at this celebration is sincerely viewed as a gift in itself. Accordingly, we invite you to forgo the traditional imparting of a wedding gift.
For those of you who stubbornly refuse to heed this proposal, please note that it would be best if any additional contributions are in monetary form based on the following factors that were identified during a commissioned 8-month long consulting survey.
THE TOP 5 REASONS WHY ENVELOPES WILL MAKE BETTER WEDDING PRESENTS THAN WAFFLE IRONS:
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1) In accordance with our green marketing stance, senior management has opted to forgo use of the private jet and will be returning to Ottawa in a car that is already destined to be so full that the driver will bear the impression of a steering wheel on his/her chest for a minimum of four days.
2) Our CEO Ronan Halloran has an undisputed controlling interest in said vehicle and demands ample space for the mahogany desk he erects in the backseat to support his cell phone, laptop, portable fax, teething crackers and humidor.
3) Transporting a large number of gifts would inhibit our ability to pick up strange hitchhikers and put them in the backseat with our defenseless son per an interesting article we recently enjoyed in Extreme Parenting: Creative Paths to Early Therapy.
4) We have adopted a Just-in-Time management strategy whereby our efforts are focused on maintaining physical inventory at lower levels (thereby lowering the level of physical effort that we need to focus on maintaining said inventory).
5) In hindsight, additional funds may be required to honour the golden parachute that our CEO negotiated to mitigate against any forced departure from his daycare within the next 15 years.